Alone

 I can't even put into words how I'm feeling right now. I'm numb. Libertine, the last of my four beautiful, wonderful friends, passed away a few short days ago. Exactly two months after Cricket. I have no cats in my life for the first time in my life, minus the few short years I was married. I don't know how to not have a cat. I'm so lost.

So much has changed in my life since I quit blogging. So much has changed in the world!! I miss spewing out my thoughts, but I never wanted to have a blog that contained too much negativity. I quit because I feel like I ran out of good things to say, that I had not already said multiple times already. Were I to blog now, I know it would be filled with sadness encompassing the majority of my life outside of my home and family. And that's a really sad thing to say, unto itself.

There is good in my life! My family is well. Financially I'm okay. I still have a job, although quite of bit of my sadness comes from that. Lot's of changes on the job front. Some good. Some really, really not. My inner most feeling is that my home I spent over half my life helping to build, has been completely stripped away in record time. Funny to call a workplace home, but it WAS that, for so many years. There are so many that have expressed to me just how sad it all is. The morale is shit. It's the lowest I've ever seen it in all my years there. 28 years, if you're counting.  I do not understand why the people in charge of making the changes can't see how sad everyone is, and one would think, with those that are wanting to leave, those that have left, and those that have expressed openly and in writing the issues at hand, they would wake up. Instead, they are confused because we have all this nice shiny new stuff and wow look at all the money we are getting now! I have openly said, multiple times, to the ones in charge, verbally and in writing... It's not about the shiny new things. It's not about the money. It's NEVER been about the money. You take away the spirit of the place... you separate the departments and eliminate camaraderie, you have Any Other Place, USA. It's no longer special and there is no more reason to stay unless you REALLY start throwing the money our way. Some have tried to blame my feelings on me not being good with change. I've tried my best to explain that my job is CONSTANT change. My job is NOTHING like what it was when I first walked in those doors. I've accepted all the changes over the years with, what I think, was a healthy dose of optimism, positive attitude and a constant desire to learn whatever new thing I needed to learn and prepare for the next change. Change I can handle. 

See?  Nothing nice to say. I could fill pages and pages of my disappointments of the last year, just about my job alone. Don't even get me started with the state of the world. 

But my family is well. And my daughter is in town and it's almost Christmas. Looking forward to seeing my children, my grandchildren and the rest of my family. So until I come back here... if there is still a here to come back to... I am going to deal with my recent losses, deal with work for as long as I can and learn how to not have any cats.  Not having a cat is just a sad way to live, in my opinion.      

One Week Review

It's been a week since Spazz left us.  I find myself going through similar emotions as I did when my grandmother passed.  The 5 phases of death, if you will.  Even for a cat.  It's amazing how much difference one little kitty can make in a household.

He was an under foot cat.  Always there, even when he was in the way.  Didn't matter how many times I stepped on him, he stayed under my feet.  When I was cooking, when I was washing dishes, while I sat at my computer.  15 years of looking down before I move is a hard habit to break and I'm still caught off guard when I look down and he's not there.

If I had to put a positive emotion on his death, the only thing I have come up with, aside from his no longer suffering, is the lack of worry.  I never realized how much I worried about him while I was gone.  I'll catch myself thinking about him, the habit of worrying about him, and realize there is no longer any need.  That brings first relief, then sadness.

It's the absence of him that hurts the most.  I guess that's true of anything or anyone we have loved and lost.

Sweet Spazz

I came here yesterday after being gone for 3 years.  I came here to look at pictures and read posts of my dear kitty friend, Spazz, whom I had to have put down yesterday.  Then I came back today to update the kitty's ages over there on the right.  I then decided to update the banner. Then I pushed the button to write a new post.  And here I am.

Spazz... somewhere on here in the midst of 700+ blog posts is his story.  I was never very good at tagging, so most of them aren't.  I'm here now so I can one day come back and read and remember.

In the last three years, Spazz went from weighing in at 28 pounds down to about 3.  He wasn't laying around sick for all that time.  He was still his old Spazz self, enjoying the simple pleasures he always had.  But the last few months it was obvious that we were closing in on our last days together.  Thoughts of having him put down started to creep into my thoughts more and more as the days went on.  But I knew it wasn't time because he was still his old Spazz self.

One of his favorite things in the world was eating.  Obviously.  Two days ago, when he stopped eating, I knew it was time.  He knew it was time.  I could see in his eyes he was ready. He was no longer his old Spazz self.

I was able to be there when he left.  I wanted to be there.  He went very peacefully.  The doctor was very kind and left the room to give us time.  I had a very hard time walking away.  I had to keep placing my hand on him to see if he was breathing.  He wasn't.  He was still so warm from being wrapped up in the towel I had wrapped him in to make him feel secure.  The knowledge part of my brain knows that it takes time for a body to cool, even a small one, but some other part of my brain was saying that he was still alive because he was warm.  And some part of me thought that when he left I would feel him go.  And I didn't.  24 hours later it's as if I'm still waiting to feel that.  But the lack of him being right next to me as I type this is felt.  Deeply.

And then I pushed the Publish button...

Funniest Video I've Seen In A While

Link: http://youtu.be/uIbkLjjlMV8

Wow

Link: http://youtu.be/zEQskIsHKT8