I can't even put into words how I'm feeling right now. I'm numb. Libertine, the last of my four beautiful, wonderful friends, passed away a few short days ago. Exactly two months after Cricket. I have no cats in my life for the first time in my life, minus the few short years I was married. I don't know how to not have a cat. I'm so lost.
So much has changed in my life since I quit blogging. So much has changed in the world!! I miss spewing out my thoughts, but I never wanted to have a blog that contained too much negativity. I quit because I feel like I ran out of good things to say, that I had not already said multiple times already. Were I to blog now, I know it would be filled with sadness encompassing the majority of my life outside of my home and family. And that's a really sad thing to say, unto itself.
There is good in my life! My family is well. Financially I'm okay. I still have a job, although quite of bit of my sadness comes from that. Lot's of changes on the job front. Some good. Some really, really not. My inner most feeling is that my home I spent over half my life helping to build, has been completely stripped away in record time. Funny to call a workplace home, but it WAS that, for so many years. There are so many that have expressed to me just how sad it all is. The morale is shit. It's the lowest I've ever seen it in all my years there. 28 years, if you're counting. I do not understand why the people in charge of making the changes can't see how sad everyone is, and one would think, with those that are wanting to leave, those that have left, and those that have expressed openly and in writing the issues at hand, they would wake up. Instead, they are confused because we have all this nice shiny new stuff and wow look at all the money we are getting now! I have openly said, multiple times, to the ones in charge, verbally and in writing... It's not about the shiny new things. It's not about the money. It's NEVER been about the money. You take away the spirit of the place... you separate the departments and eliminate camaraderie, you have Any Other Place, USA. It's no longer special and there is no more reason to stay unless you REALLY start throwing the money our way. Some have tried to blame my feelings on me not being good with change. I've tried my best to explain that my job is CONSTANT change. My job is NOTHING like what it was when I first walked in those doors. I've accepted all the changes over the years with, what I think, was a healthy dose of optimism, positive attitude and a constant desire to learn whatever new thing I needed to learn and prepare for the next change. Change I can handle.
See? Nothing nice to say. I could fill pages and pages of my disappointments of the last year, just about my job alone. Don't even get me started with the state of the world.
But my family is well. And my daughter is in town and it's almost Christmas. Looking forward to seeing my children, my grandchildren and the rest of my family. So until I come back here... if there is still a here to come back to... I am going to deal with my recent losses, deal with work for as long as I can and learn how to not have any cats. Not having a cat is just a sad way to live, in my opinion.
