Change

I started this blog with the intentions of never posting anything negative. I feel I'm a pretty positive person and I incorporate positive thinking in my daily life. I'm not saying I never think negative thoughts, but I do tend to avoid negativity in my life as much as possible. I find I'm just happier this way.

A couple of years ago, while working at my other job, I had a series of doctors and doctor visits on pretty much a weekly basis. I've heard more times then I can count, "we don't know what's wrong with you", or, "we don't know why this happened". I think my breaking point was my bout with amnesia. Granted, I found out that this is more common then people think, but it usually involves a couple of days, not the month that I lost. And in the end, no one knows why it happened. Looking back today, I attribute a lot of my ailments during that time to stress. Over this time period, I developed a very strong aversion to doctors.

The mind is a powerful thing. It can subconsciously kill you without you realizing it is doing so. If you hit a point in your life where you just give up, the results are your body slowly, but surely, giving up with you.

I can easily throw the blame of MY giving up to one particular person, when in reality, I can only blame myself. Throwing blame is easy. Understanding that I am the only one to blame, is very, very hard. Ignoring problems is the easiest and if I am to be honest (which is the whole point to this blog anyway) I would have to say I gave up a looooong time before S ever left me. My biggest goal to date is to find out why. I use the words giving up, when I think I should actually use the words, not caring.

I've recently (Wednesday) become aware that I am about to hit a point of no return, as far as my health goes. It's come down to the point to where I either have to START caring, or deal with the consequences of not caring, which include loss of quality and quantity of what life is suppose to be. Simple as that. I need to now realize that I may be luckier than some because right now... right this second... I have the option to take control and make changes that will positively change my life, where as some have reached that point, passed it by and have no choices.

I could sit here and list all of the things I have been diagnosed with as of right now, but I won't. Everything I am experiencing now all falls back on one thing and one thing only. My lifestyle. I don't exercise, and I don't eat well and I haven't for a long time. The not caring got worse in January of 2004, but the not caring has been a way of life for me for as long as I can remember.

No matter how much friends and loved ones will tell you that you need to make changes, nothing hits home like your doctor telling you bluntly that you are going to die. No, not tomorrow. Not next week or even a year from now... Suffice it to say, I am at a critical point in my health. The disease that's killing me is my not caring. And no pills, or surgery or anything else is going to fix it unless I can make myself care. I AM extremely lucky to find out now that there IS still time to turn things around.

So my journey begins.