When I Grow Up

If someone gave me a bunch of their money to spend on cool stuff for their home wouldn't that be the ultimate job?

I've always wanted to be an interior designer. Sadly, one must have a college education for this. I don't have one. I will probably never get one. Hence... my dream of spending other people's money died the day I got divorced almost 20 years ago.

If I had made different choices in life, do I think I would have gone in this direction? Who's to know, really. I don't think I have enough drive, even way back when I was 20, to have a job like an interior designer. Plus, with the procrastination thing I've always had going for me, I'd have lost that job years ago.

And then I look around my house and see the mix of gargoyles, wizards and cats and wonder what theme this could be called, aside from ugly and crazy, and then I long for a permanent residence again, which I try not to do because it makes me sad. I think about what living in an apartment would be like and how un-permanent that would seem... I think about if there is even the slightest chance of me ever owning my own home, even one as old and run down as this one, and I can't help but think back to the day when I once had a retirement fund and how that was wasted away on a man and how nice it would be to have that back so I might be able to achieve some sort of permanency.

But when my thoughts turn this direction, I also think of people like my ex-husband who lives in a house with a $5000 a month house payment, multiple car payments, in debt to his ears... and other people like him. I then realize that having "stuff" is nice and all, but I'd rather not have the stress of debt. I've had lots of "stuff" before. I have found that the less I have the happier I have become... except when I start thinking about a permanent residence. That's the one "stuff" I really want to have most and the one "stuff" I feel so very far away from getting.