...is a word I will use in my head but never out loud.
I have a decision to make. Thought I would throw it out here to see what others might think about it. This may get long and rambly. Just a warning.
So I told you about rescuing my photo albums from the depths of hell... I mean, my garage not too long ago. All my children's baby pictures... a few pictures of me when I was WAY young. I had a box of tossed in photos and one day I decided to organize them all. Took a while, but I got most of them in order and in photo albums. Not long afterward, the digital camera age hit big time and I've only added a few pictures since. Anyway... I sat down the other day and opened each and every one of them and looked at all the pictures very slowly and brushed away the cobwebs from long ago memories.
Towards the end of the albums I came across the reason the photo albums had been abandoned for so long in the garage. There were pictures of HIM... still pasted and covered in clear plastic as they were when they were lovingly placed there about 8 years ago.
I can only assume that my subconscious was guiding me the day I brought the photo albums in because the 9th of this month marked 5 years since the day he walked out the door. I've noticed my subconscious is evil that way.
Seeing the pictures of him, of us, of places and times that were some of the happiest moments in my life... it was odd. In a way it was very painful to look, and to remember. But I know the pain part comes from seeing what was lost. The memory itself, the moments in time captured by a photo... all of those are good. Aside from the day he left and onwards, and the 9 days leading up to it, all the memories of him are good. Which brings me to my conundrum.
Should I take out the photos of him? If I take out the photos of him, should I include any photos of him and my kids, because there are many. Should I cut him out of those photos and leave the kids? Should I take out the photos he took of me while we were someplace special and any photos taken while there? Should I leave them in because they were very special moments in my life?
I drunk called him, or emailed him (can't remember... can't remember a lot of things during that time) one time... well... one of a few times... and told him that I had taken out all of his pictures from my photo albums and I wasn't going to cover up the holes where his pictures were so I would be reminded of the holes he had left in my heart. Kind of makes you wanna party with me, huh?
I asked my daughter these questions and her answer was to ask me how the pictures made me feel when I looked at them. I immediately said, "not good". So she said, "You should take them out then". Then I said, "what if I want to look at them later?" And then she said, "Then leave them in". We help each other like this often.
What would you do?
6 comments:
Seriously out, gone, poof, later, see ya wouldn't wanna be ya!, exterminated, 86'ed, permanently misplaced, down the drain, extinct, finished, removed, vanished, retired, defunct, elapsed, disintegrated, in a land far far away, flown, taken a powder, out the window, nonexistent, elsewhere, dissipated, reduced to nothingness, eliminated, dissolved, so not needed, perished, shuffled off this mortal coil, pushing up the daisies, checked out, bought the farm, bereft of life, offed, liquidated, expired, erased, no more, buried, deep 6'ed, planted, abolished, stamped out, laundered, nullified, expunged, struck down, extirpated, obliterated, dispatched, canceled, crossed out, deleted, scratched, etc., etc.
haha that's pretty much our relationship summed up in that quote.
but try and look at this objectively. if looking at those pictures doesn't make you feel good now, 5 years after the fact, then is there ever going to be a time where you feel okay with it??
you've said yourself that you're over everything and i believe that you truly are. but what reason can you think of that you would absolutely want or need to look at those pictures again??
throw those bad boys away. even the ones with us, because you're going to know that there was someone else in those pictures even if you cut him out.
that's my say!
Positive Pete up there got out his Thesaurus this morning! Point taken... Pete.
No one respects my vocabulary. I should wear a red tie, yank on it, and sweat a lot!
It took me about 5 years (this year!) to finally throw away old photos from a 5 year relationship. But, I didn't have kids with this man.
I say throw them out, but do it in the way Clean Sweep does it: make 3 piles. 1. Immediate, gut-instinct, definitely throw out 2. Maybe/maybe not/I don't know/this decision is making me anxious throw out and 3. Save.
Then go through pile 2 and weed thru them again, being brutal.
My feeling is, if you've lived this long without seeing those pics, then you can live the rest of your life without them. Especially if they still cause you pain.
This is why I don't take pictures. ;^P
I think you should chunk them. They are emptional baggage, and nobody needs more of that. After you throw them out, you will be able to enjoy the other photos without the bad reminders. It's not easy, but change (even good change) never is.
Best wishes!
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