2009 Day One

I don't do resolutions. I believe striving to improve yourself should be a daily battle, not a once a year battle. I guess my main reason for not making any resolutions is to avoid subjecting myself to failure. The things I feel I need to change about myself are the same today as they were back in July and they will be the same in July 2009. It's the daily struggle of health and avoiding self destructing behavior. These are my two challenges and they have been my entire life and I feel for sure they will be till my body ceases to be alive. I don't need a yearly reminder when I currently remind myself of these things on a daily basis.

So I went to bed early... missed the 12 o'clock mark... woke up at 3am. No hoopla, no bells and whistles, no parties. If it sounds as if I have a personal problem with New Years Day, you wouldn't be too far off. The events of a past New Years Day... 2004... led to where I am sitting right this very minute on this New Years Day of 2009. Is it a painful memory? Yes, it is heart wrenching. Am I still hurting? Nah... not so much. 5 years can do wonders in healing a spirit. But it is still a hard memory to be reminded of... marked by lots of celebration by others which makes the day harder to not notice.

But do not fret, internetz. I am not a sad crazy cat lady. I am not blind to the beauty and love and wonderfulness that life offers me each and every day. The most important lessons we learn in life are the ones learned in the hardest ways. We often aren't able to see the lesson at hand until much time has passed. The lesson I was given, was true happiness. Happiness with one's self, happiness within one's spirit, happiness within the mind, body and soul... the ultimate search for most everyone. I believe... without any doubt... that had not the events of January 1st, 2004 occurred... I would still be struggling with that ultimate search. Not to say that all of my days are filled with butterflies and rainbows. Oh, no. I still have days. Now, though, I apologize, I move on, and I don't beat myself up about it later.

Now I think I'll go grab another cup of coffee and sit back and watch the very first sunrise of 2009.

I wish you many mornings of beautiful sunrises, reader.