The Smoking Needle

I smoke cigarettes. Not something in this day and age to brag about. Where once it was cool, now it is just plain stupid... not only for its known health risks, but because I'm flushing money down the toilet every time I buy a pack. The main reason I have never quit is simply because I really, really like to smoke. I take that back... I had two very good reasons to quit and I did both times without any problems. Each time I was pregnant. But that was soooooo long ago and the addiction is far more set in then it was when I was younger. I've had 20 some odd years to make sure of that.

December 30th of this year marks a rather painful reminder that time keeps jugging on whether we want it to or not. I will be turning 40. 30 was hard. It was real hard. When I turned 30, I became very conscious of my mortality and the fact I was no longer "20 something". 30 was the point where I stood back and looked at my life and all that I had accomplished, and not accomplished, and realized how fast time really goes. I think I really didn't start to live my life until I turned 30. So now I'm looking back over the last 10 years and comparing now to then and thinking about the journey and all the roadblocks and all of the celebrations and how I came to be 39 and sitting on top of 40. It is nothing less then amazing to realize that I am happier at the turn of this decade then I was at the last decade. I've done some amazing growing up in the last 10 years. The roller coaster of life has given me quite the ride. I've been through some horrific times, some unbelievably happy times, I've been in love, I've experienced numerous changes, some voluntary, some not so much. I've learned how strong I can be even when I don't want to be. I've been blessed to experience the joys of seeing my children grow into beautiful, loving adults. Yes, life has taught me much these last 10 years and I am oh so grateful for the lessons learned.

Although December 30th will be just another day to most, for me, I needed to do something to "celebrate" my officially turning old... something to take my mind off of the fact that now I'm no longer even "30 something". I thought about the old trick of smashing my thumb to get rid of a headache, but I'm not that into pain... I could have a baby... no, I don't EVEN want to go there. Buy a new car... nope, don't want the car payment. And then I got an idea This will be painful... so I've heard. And I will also be giving myself the best present I could give myself on such an occasion. The option for the possibility of a longer life. It will definitely get my mind off of being 40! I think I'll quit smoking.

And so I'm counting down the days. Each cigarette I have now, I'm saying good-bye little by little. I've been asked if I'm going to cut down first before completely stopping on my birthday and the answer is no. I can't cut down. I'm either going to be a smoker, or I'm not. One of the few things about me that is actually a black and white issue. I have the "want to". The "need to" has always been there.

So... consider this an early apology to any who know me and will have to interact with me during the early days of my adventure. I've heard some pretty bad horror stories of some who have quit.