For The Ladies

Have you ever heard of "The Man Laws"? I have heard of it, but really never understood what the heck was meant by it, aside from what Google has revealed. I also thought it was just something guys said to be funny and that it didn't really exist. Ladies, listen up! There is such a thing. And it's scary. There are two definitions to Man Laws. One is in regards to how men act around each other. You know, not talking to another man when at a urinal, no hugging another guy if they are crying, and it is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following Circumstances: (a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master. (b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse. (c) After wrecking your boss's car. (d) When she is using her teeth. We've heard of these and laughed at them. But there is a second definition that we women don't know about.

I talked with two guys last night, whose names must be withheld because of their fear of getting their Man Law Card revoked. I was sworn to secrecy yet I didn't swear to not writing about what I learned. Silly, silly men.

I have worked in a male dominated work environment for all of my life. Before I started working on the law enforcement side of things, I worked in a machine shop. If you would have asked me yesterday if I knew what a man REALLY wants, I would have been confident in my answers. Today? Not so much. Today I am more confused as ever because everything I THOUGHT was to be right, I learned I was meant to believe those things because I don't have a penis. So hold onto your hats, ladies... because what I learned explains SO much.

1. If you are interested in a man, don't have sex with him too quickly. In fact, the longer you wait the more respect for you that man will have and the more likely it will become a permanent situation.
The reason: They think that if you fall into bed with them, then you are just as likely to fall into bed with anyone and that makes you not marriage material.
2. Once a sexual relationship has started (you know... after you are married and all) don't try to impress your man with crazy wild things that you have either learned about, or have practiced with others. (you know... your ex-husband and all)
The reason: Men are prideful creatures. They want to be the ones to teach you things and in the back of their minds they are wondering where you might have learned some of the stuff you are doing. Again, this makes you not marriage material. This item was debated between the two guys, though.
3. For a man to be truly happy he requires only three things. Food, sex, and sleep.
The reason: Men are stupid creatures (not my words!) and these are the only things they think about. Now there is a sub-category to this, though. It's called a hobby. If the man likes sports, then he will also incorporate sports into his daily thinkings. If he likes to fish, hunt or if he's a freaking stamp collector, these will be things he thinks about aside from sex, food, and sleep. Ever wonder why your man is cranky? He's either hungry, horny, or tired. Or he's pissed because he's out on the town with you and missing the game.
4. Men fall in lust THEN fall in love. And if you have a good man, he stays in love with you because he chooses to, not because his heart is telling him to. This is where women usually make their mistake. By believing he loves her the way she loves him, because he doesn't. Now you might say, "but my man brings me flowers and he cuddles with me and etc., etc."
The reason: Men do these things because he knows you will be grateful and will feed him, have sex with him and let him sleep.
5. If a man cheats on you he has either done it before and/or will do it again.
The reason: Sex... sex... hungry... sex... sleep... sex...
If he gets caught the first time and fesses up, he will be more careful next time and then not fess up. You may think he's sorry, but he is only sorry that he got caught. I had a hard time accepting this, but I was told it is because I am a woman and that I love differently and that if I had a penis I would understand. They made it a point to beat this cheating rule into my brain. The EXCEPTION to this rule is that if a guy gets screwed over by a girl. Then he knows how it feels to start out with then he is much less likely to cheat on you, but ONLY if you are not the next girl he dates and if you are, you have no hopes of this being a lasting relationship because he feels he has to have his revenge before he can move on.
6. Regardless if you are told differently, men are jealous creatures.
The reason: See rules 1 - 5 above.
7. Men are called dogs for a reason. They are simple minded, stupid and as long as their basic needs are met (see rule 3), then they are happy. (again, NOT my words)

I hope this clears up any confusion you might be having about men. These were words from two very happily married men. My response to the information? I will be single the rest of my life.