The Single Life

Since my son decided to go live with his dad and my daughter first left me to go to college, both within months of each other, I've experienced every kind of feeling from, "I'M FREE, I'M FREE!!", to, "Okay, I'm bored now... where are my grandkids?" I started having babies when I was just 17 years old, and having babies around is pretty much all I've known my whole life. They were what I lived and breathed on a daily basis. But in the last couple of years since my babies have been gone from the nest, they both have blossomed into adult contributing members of society. Isn't that what we groom our children to become?

My kid's dad and I have been divorced for most of their lives. My son was just 4 and my daughter was not yet two when the divorce was final. There have been hundreds of times over those years where I shipped them off to their dad's house for a day, a weekend, a summer visit or two. But they always came home and they were always still my babies. Once they hit high school, not only were there visits with their dad, but then there were band trips, and choir trips and lots and lots of sleepovers at someone else's house. It's like we spent our entire lives getting ready for the eventual separation into adult hood where they would leave... and call someplace else home.

The months leading up to our separation were very hard on me. Not only was I about to move from a house that I had lived in since I was 22, but I knew both of my kids would not be coming with me. I knew that my life was about to change drastically and everything I had once known, was going to become something I had never experienced before... mainly, living on my own for the first time in my entire life.

It was not what I expected, to say the least. When I first became a single person to be responsible for, I found myself cooking WAY too much food with no one to feed it to. When I was about to take a shower and needed something from the other room at the last minute, I'd wrap myself up in a robe or towel before exiting the bathroom to fetch my item. I planned my days so in case someone needed me, I would be around. Today I cook for one with rarely any leftovers. I have forgotten that my bathroom even has a door. I walk around nekkid and prance around like a nudist on the beach. I have developed my own routine that includes no one, on most occasions.

My son came over the other night and although he will always be my son, he was now "visiting" me. He's this grown man (although he still is my little 5 year old) that has his own problems that will never include me, worries outside of me with friends and a life that I hear about, but don't get to see on a daily basis. He has a full time job, a car payment and credit card bills. He has become a contributing member of society. My daughter is not my little girl any more. She has her own life, her own routines, and although I see her more than I see my son, she has a life outside of her mama now with her own worries and her own bills. She, also, has become an adult.

So yesterday, me and the girl ran errands together. We went to the store, we had lunch, we dug through boxes... more than once. We kind of did things like we used to do and when she said something about going home, it was my home that she was referring to. I told her things over lunch that I would never have told her had she been younger. I talked to her more like a best friend then a daughter. And even though that's kind of sad in a small way, it was then that I realized how much she has grown up over the last two years.

There was also a point yesterday, exhausted from talking to someone so much, exhausted from running around, feeling like old times again, when I realized what kind of a mom I must have been. Running from soccer games, to band practices, from cheer-leading to choir concerts... I think we all get so caught up in the day to day things that we do with our kids, that time passes us by without so much as a glance back until that day comes when everything just stops. After yesterday's adventures, I honestly have no idea how I did it with two kids.

I colored my hair yesterday for the first time this year. I actually like it. A LOT. I didn't recognize myself... I looked younger. My eyes stood out more with the dark hair and I hadn't realized how much gray hair kind of makes the whole face fade out. My daughter gave me a nice, "I told you so". And she had every right to. The old fart with gray hair pretty much isn't as old as she thought. Plus she has a children in the house again! Now I have to figure out how to go from cooking for one to cooking for the said children who will awaken with the light of morning wanting breakfast. And I doubt diet muffins, sugar free ice cream and frozen Lean Cuisines are going to cut it for her.

Tonight I will put on make-up, style my non gray hair, put on clothes for a reason other then going to work or working in the yard and have a good time with friends and family. My daughter says I have to wear eye shadow. I have forgotten what eye shadow is...

An actual conversation yesterday:
Me: This is what I'm going to wear tomorrow night.
K: You're wearing THAT?!
Me: But I LIKE that shirt.
K: I KNOW... thank goodness I'm here to help you.