I have always been somewhat of a peacekeeper. I have found myself between quarreling parties in the past and when asked for advice, my most common words are: give the person the benefit of the doubt.
Along with my peacekeeping role, I'm also a die hard non-confrontational-ist, which means I avoid conflict like I would the plague. I don't have a problem getting along with almost everyone, but if there is someone who has wronged me, I avoid, avoid, avoid, and then learn to live with whatever the problem is and go on about my gumdrop day. If I can get away with not confronting someone, I will find that way.
So I find myself torn. I was just given the address to a YouTube video of a memorial done for my friend Christy who recently passed away. They said this was played at her funeral. I watched it with tissue at hand, expecting it to be painful to watch. I came away extremely angry.
I didn't go into the details of Christy's death before, because in the end, the details don't change the fact that she died. I will give this much away, though. Her husband had packed up and left her about two weeks before her death and about a week before she died she was in the hospital and her husband never once went to see her.
Anyone who knows me knows how I feel about lying, cheating men. I do not tolerate them. I did once, but that's a period of my life I'm long happily past. The night before Christy died, I got to listen to the sordid details of her cheating husband. When I watched the video there were very few pictures without him in it and they should have had the music to a Jewel song playing, not your typical Sara McLaughlin funeral song that is WAY overused, because Jewel was her favorite singer of ALL time.
So here's where I'm torn... do I comment on what a sham that video is or do I just leave it alone? My instincts are to just leave it alone, but my brain is telling me that if I don't stand up for who she was, no one will... and I'm afraid that brain voice is a little louder than the instinctual voice. In fact, the brain voice is telling me to not only leave a YouTube comment, but to leave one on her MySpace page that I'm told will soon be her Memorial Page, as well. What would YOU do? Would you stand up for a deceased loved one, or would you just leave the family in peace and let them grieve in whatever a sham they are grieving in, with that slimball husband acting as a bereaved widower?
I'm seriously asking for advice here, reader. What would you do?
Sunday, November 23, 2008
The Peacekeeper
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2 comments:
A similar situation was approached on a forum I frequent.
The general consensus was not to voice. It was different in that this voice was to be at the funeral, not a web page memorial.
The idea was it was a hard enough time for those involved and to let them grieve in peace.
My thought is that a comment on the web, if allowed to remain, would be there far longer than words spoken.
In the end I think you would be speaking out on behalf of yourself, to settle your spirit.
Those involved will believe what they will. If the family is not in denial then by all means post away.
They say that funerals are for the living. If I understand correctly, you feel as if the maker of the video told a grossly inaccurate version of Christy's story, effectively slandering one of your dear friends. My thought is to go ahead and tell it like it is.
They also say that history is written by the victors. I feel like if you don't say your peace, then the lies in that video will come to be understood as the truth. You might not be able to reach everyone that saw it, or undo all of the misinformation. But you can do what you can do.
In the videographer's defense: nobody expects anything except the rosiest of accounts to be given at the service. In my experience, all the truth can be whispered at the reception, and is fair game by now.
I know there are huge potential downsides to speaking your peace, as well as holding your tongue. It is a difficult decision, and is yours alone. Best wishes...
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